Feeling Better

If we had to lose one of our babies I am thankful it happened right before General Conference.   Listening to the speakers feeling like they were speaking directly to me, helped me so much.   I sat this weekend and cuddled with my husband and my dogs and laughed and cried and just soaked in the words and the meaning of what happened.

 

Today we had our first doctor's appointment since finding out,  we are 10 weeks today,  I will admit I have been nervous all weekend.   In all the other ultrasounds I have had I have never felt nerves,  just excitement,  but this time I just kept feeling nervous that I am going to go in and hear that something else is wrong.  I haven't been sleeping great and have been dreading it a little.   I decided yesterday that I should call my OB's office and give them a heads up about baby B in case that changed the scope of my appointment at all.   Last night at around 5:30 my OB called me while I was on my way home,   he expressed sadness and talked to me with comforting words.   It was exactly what I needed to hear.   

 

Sometimes in Vegas I worry about the type of medical care we receive here but I have nothing but good things to say about my doctors.  My fertility doctor Dr. Shapiro has been amazing,  I know he cares about me and my baby.   My OB Dr. Martin I LOVE him,  I have been with him for 10years or more I trust him 100%,  he is a great man and I know he has me and my baby's best interest in any decision he makes. 

 

Anyways back to my appointment.   Dr. Martin immediately wanted to do a ultrasound,  he wanted to see for himself and he wanted to make sure the baby was okay.  It's hard because baby B is still there,  just very tiny and with no heartbeat so once again I was looking at my baby who didn't make it,  Ryan was able to come today and see and I think he understood some of what I felt last week.  It's hard to see.  But then I have to be grateful because he went over to baby A and it has doubled in size,   he showed us the heartbeat and the arms and the legs and everything looks great.   It was such a relief.  I think I really did exhale really big.  I am still considered high risk because of everything that has happened so I will be seeing Dr. Shapiro,  Dr. Martin and Dr. Iryie all for the next few weeks. And then once I am cleared from Dr. Shapiro I will still be seeing both doctor's until Dr. Martin decides I am not high risk and don't need to see Dr. Iryie anymore.   I will have to go to the doctor's once a week at least.   It's alot but if it mean's getting our little bean here safely I am on board.

 

I want to thank all our family and friend's who have sent comforting messages,  texts or phone calls.  I want to thank my parents for getting me out of the house on Saturday night to laugh and eat frozen custard.  I want to thank Whitney Walker for bringing over dessert and just stopping in to see how I was doing.   They all mean so much to me and Ryan. 

 

And I promise I will not blog weekly about my pregnancy the whole time,   once we reach the safe zone and I get to be a normal pregnant woman I will be back to blogging about our lives :)

 

2 weeks to go! :)

Today I'm going to sulk

At the doctor's office this morning Ryan and I learned that Baby B had no heartbeat. Baby B stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days on Monday. We were very shocked, every ultrasound has looked good and the heartbeat was always normal.

I am heartbroken, I was so used to the idea of having twins now and was so excited for the future chaos. Knowing that is gone and that Baby B will not get any bigger than 1 inch and will eventually absorb into my pregnancy makes me so sad.

My mind is racing what did I do, what could I have done. My doctor assures me I couldn't have done anything that it is called vanishing twin syndrome and that it just happens sometimes. But it's hard I thought if we made it to 9 weeks that we would be okay and I just never expected to hear those words this morning.

I had ordered a shirt for Maggie and had made shirts for Ryan and I and we were going to take pictures this weekend to announce it next week. And I am so sad those shirt's saying we have two babies need to go in the garbage, that the double stroller and two crib dream is over.

But tomorrow is another day and tomorrow I will be better and will be grateful and blessed to still have one healthy baby growing inside of me. Baby A is thriving and even though I am shakin up and nervous something could happen now. I will just do everything I can to protect this baby. I will not complain about my medicine, an will just be grateful everytime I get to see my baby grow.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We love you.

9 weeks..

I came home today after working late, to find my husband cooking dinner and doing laundry. I appreciate everything Ryan has done for me, he is the best. the hamburger was great going down but not so great coming back up a few hours later lol

I'm a hot mess and so is our house. I go day by day whether I can eat or not, if I do my hair and makeup or not and if I can stay all day at work or not.

But I'm not going to complain as long as the babies are doing good. I have Ryan who is such a help and a good cleaning lady to keep my house sane :)

We have hopefully our last ultrasound with Dr Shapiro tomorrow and then I am really hoping I am able to stop taking some of the medicines and work on getting released from him. We will see!