20 days...

We officially have 20 days to go until our transfer,  I cannot wait !!

  I did my last retrieval at the end of June and this last month has been torture for us.  The waiting is the worst part  for me (well except for the big needle in your back end lol).   Ryan, as always remains the calm energy in our house,  he keeps me balanced and tries to curb my freak outs.   He puts up with my million questions of what if this happens, or what if this doesn't happen with simple encouraging answers and generally keeps me sane.

I had a friend who is pregnant and has experienced bad morning sickness call me the other day,  she was asking if I had seen a movie out about what to expect when you are expecting,  I told her I hadn't and she gave me a little synopsis about how one woman had a horrible pregnancy and delivery and the other had a great pregnancy and delivery.  I know she was joking but she told me that I am going to be like that woman who had the perfect pregnancy and she is going to be mad because she is so sick.   I sort of laughed and then said "well if I am lucky enough to have a great pregnancy and delivery with no sickness then I deserve every bit of it,  no offense but I will trade you three months of sickness and a $20 movie night and action after with your hubby to get your baby rather than months of trying with rejection, lots of doctors offices, shots,  taking all the romance out of it and more money than I would like to admit we have spent to get mine"  It wasn't the nicest thing for me to say, but it's how I felt at the time. 

I have another friend who understands what we are going through,  her and her husband had to do IVF and were successful and are expecting a little boy in October.   She was at our house two weekends ago and we were talking about how many pregnancy tests we have taken and just seen rejection after rejection,   she said she is tempted to go pee on a stick now just to see it show a positive.   We laughed and then were talking about how from the time of your transfer to getting your blood test marks that give a good indication that we had heard that you can actually take a pregnancy test around day 6, 7 and find out.   She didn't do it and I won't either because neither of us have ever had a good outcome of a pregnancy test and so to take one is a completely negative thing to us,  something we dread, not look forward to.   So she stuck it out the 10 or so days until the doctor's office confirmed it and I will too!

So as you can see my mood swings go up and down,  I blame the hormones. I am feeling scared but good about it,  we are going to the temple this weekend for our friend's sealing and plan to do a session beforehand to spend some time together praying for us and our families.

In other Stewart news,  not much is going on.  Ryan is back to studying all the time so after dinner we don't see each other much on the weekdays.  :(

I got this lovely sunburn because I am a idiot and forget I am a vampire allergic to the sun and burn easily...

And our house is filled with Olympic fever,   it's pretty much on 24-7 right now.   I LOVE the Olympics,  especially the swimming since I swam competitively for years.  I'm so excited for Missy Franklin, to be 17 and be so good and to pass up endorsements because she wants to swim for a college is amazing.  I'm on Team Lochte,  his name is Ryan Steven just like my babe's and he is hot just like my babe so what is not to like :)

Oh and I am still praying for twins and Ryan is still not...



A reason to celebrate!

Well this week and weekend went MUCH better than last weekend. :)

1.  The new pool filter works like a champ and the pool is crystal clean

2. We started Lupron one of the shots I have to take and the needle isnt' very big so I bagged the patch and have just been putting a ice pack on it for 5 minutes before my shot,  and I am doing pretty well.  No lingering side affects yet.

3.Work has been pretty chill this week and we even convinced our boss to let us have Friday's off in the month of August so maybe I can get a few things done around the house.

4.  This Sunday at church I felt the Spirit SO strong.  We had a gentleman in our ward, who has been coming to church with his wife and investigating for 10 years get baptized and confirmed and it set the tone for the whole day.  Then my friend Whit taught the RS lesson and I silently cried pretty much the whole lesson,  she has such a great spirit and I felt like she was talking to me.

AND FINALLY...

We got to celebrate the love of my life's 28th birthday.  Man he is young lol

Saturday we had friend's over to swim.  I just LOVE having our family and friends over.  The reason to have a pool and a backyard to entertain people in is to fill it up with loved ones.   We have such a great group of friends and it was a fun day.

Saturday night we went to the North Stake's Pioneer Day celebration.  Normally we go earlier but it was so hot so we didn't make it until late when the firework's show was ready.   It's the only time of year I can enjoy the fireworks because it is far away enough from our house Maggie can't hear them :)

Sunday was Ryan's actual birthday!  We went to church and then came home and had our family over for dinner.  I should have gotten a picture of the dinner. It looked SO good!  I made baked spaghetti and it was a big hit.  I loved having our family over to end Ryan's birthday weekend. 

A couple treats I made this weekend that everyone loved were :

Rootbeer Float Cookies

Reeses Peanut Butter Rice Krispies

I am so glad this weekend was filled with love, laughter,  family and friends!

And to this man,  my best friend and partner.   I am SO glad I flirted with you at Institute 3 years ago!





Murphy's Law

"Anything that can go wrong,  will go wrong"

That's how I feel this week.  It has honestly been one thing after another the last few days.  I am exhausted and it is only Tuesday.

Friday afternoon we packed up the truck and drove up to St. George for a family reunion we were having on Saturday.  Nothing too out of the ordinary except I could tell my mom wasn't feeling well.   She put on a happy face and we went out to dinner, came home and called it a night.

Saturday we drove up to Parowan for the Mortensen family reunion,  we had a good time and it was nice seeing some family member's I hadn't seen in years.  We are hoping to be able to do them every few years going forward.   Anyways,  my mom still wasn't feeling well and left the reunion early to go lay down at my Aunt's house with my Uncle B (who always is like a mother hen to my mom,  I just love him)  We rested and talked for a hour or so and drove back to St. George for the night.  From here is where it starts to go down hill. 

We get home and see that the front yard of our Utah house has a leak that we will need to fix the next day,  we go inside and decide that everyone is tired and Ryan and I are going to run out to grab dinner and just bring it back.   When we get back my mom is on the couch in tears because the pain is so bad and tells us she was hoping we were going home so we didn't see it and that she was planning on going to the hospital the next day.  We can see she is in alot of pain,  so my dad and Ryan give her a blessing and off to the hospital she goes.  She wouldn't let me come so obviously I am very anxious and nervous and checking my phone every 15 minutes for a text from my dad.   I decided to try to sleep so that when they got home I could send my tired dad to bed and take care of her.  They arrived home at around 2:30am in the morning and since my mom is so sensitive to med's of course she had a bad reaction to the morphine and is in even more pain when she gets home.   Seriously my poor mother can't handle anymore.   We finally get to sleep for a few hours Saturday night.

Sunday morning we wake up and I make breakfast for the boys while my mom is in resting.   My dad has to go pick up some prescriptions for my mom and Ryan and Matt are going to go to Home Depot to get the items to fix the leak.  My dad goes out to his truck and his battery is dead!!  I know really....So he takes my trucks and the boys clean his connectors and get the yard ready to fix.   My dad get's back,  they install the battery and go to fix the leak,  but the size is wrong...Back to Home Depot. AGAIN.    Finally around 2:00pm we get everything done,  load up the cars to head home and get on the road.  No sooner than 5 minutes into the gorge a rock hits our window and I now have a lovely crack splitting the driver's side of my window.  I have driven that road hundred's of times and never been hit by a rock!

That has to be the last of the bad luck right??  WRONG!  We get home and find a note on our door from our neighbor that our pool filter split and water was gushing out and flooded our side yard.

Big crack huh??

Our pool was on it's way to a green mess.  So yesterday I got to track down a new pool filter for $800 and Ryan installed it last night.

I am seriously to my breaking point with bad news.  I am tired of the doctor's playing science experiment with my mother and switching her medicines on and off.   She is sick!  She feels horrible all the time,  she has lost so much weight and I know Parkinson's is not a cut and dry disease where you have a set regime, but nothing they are doing is working.  She is teetering on the edge and I don't blame her. 

I am scared to do our transfer in August now because I just feel like I am asking for it not to work with everything else bad that is going on.   I am trying to continue to have faith that everything will work out but I would be lying if I said I am 100% confident.  I feel like my family is cursed right now.   I can handle all the monetary needs that we need to fix like the pool filter and window shield.  But I just cannot handle anymore seeing my mom so sick.  I am trying to stay strong for everyone but inside I am breaking.  I have nightmares, trouble sleeping and am just scared all the time.

I spend alot of time praying,  and I will continue to do so.  I will also continue to get blessings from my husband, and try to attend the temple as much as possible.  

I am not going to cancel our transfer because I have to keep the faith that Heavenly Father knows how much we need this in our lives right now,  how ready we are for this.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me and I just pray that we are successful and bring some much needed good news into this family.

And so I do not end this post on a sour  note,   we did have one great thing happen this weekend!   We found out that my dad's post transplant bone biopsy showed NO signs of cancer in his bone marrow.  This is so amazing!  He is doing so awesome. He looks great, he feels great and he is healthy.   This is SUCH a blessing,  especially right now when my mom needs him to help her.  I look at my dad and I see the miracle of modern medicine and the faith, love, fasting and prayers and know that without my Savior this would not have happened.

So as much as I want to completely break down,  hide in a ball in my closet.  I will not.  I will keep fighting for my mom,  my dad, my family,  my husband and for me. And believe that happy times are right around the corner.



It's too Hot!

Last weekend we spent a amazing weekend in San Diego,  since coming home I just can't get over how hot it is.  We try to get up and work out in our garage in the morning and it's so hot.  Same thing at like 9:00pm at night.  Just makes me want a house in the summertime in Southern Cali.  Ryan and I drove by University of San Diego and wondered for a minute how fun it would be to be in grad school in Cali poor and living on love.  But then we realized how good we have it here with all our family and friends and we can make it through the hot hot summer. 

In San Diego we were able to go to the Wild Animal Park, the beach and go to the temple before enjoying a great dinner on the ocean.  I didn't take too many pictures so I'm just going to post what I took.

 

And how cool is this you can caravan and feed the giraffe's  I am SO doing that next time!

It was much needed and I hope we never stop dating.  We also can't wait to go back to all these fun places we have been over the last few years with our children.  Walking through the parks and seeing the joy and laughter from the little kids makes my heart smile.

In other news in our families world.  My brother Josh graduated from MidWestern and is a pharmacist now!  He got a job at a hospital and has moved back to Vegas.  I love having my whole family here.   I was so sad we were unable to make it but it happened to fall on the same weekend we had our last retrieval. 

So handsome.  I am so proud of him!

We also missed Ryan's big family reunion camping this last week because of Ryan's schooling.  It fell on the same week as his orientation.  We were super bummed but SO excited for Ryan to start school and know we are so close to the end goal of Ryan being a Physical Therapist.   I am so proud of him and we are so close to being done!

Our transfer is officially scheduled for August,  we are getting closer.  I know it's getting close when I start new medicine lol  I am starting to freak out because I have had two dreams of Ryan and I but their were no kids in my dream.  I woke up crying and just said a prayer of asking for help from Heavenly Father.  I became calm and was able to go back to sleep but it scared me.   I am trying to stay positive,  Heavenly Father knows how much we want this and how hard it has been.  I have done things to my body I didn't ever think I would do and while I was scared, nothing overpowered my love for my future child enough to not make me go through all the procedures and shots.   All I can do is pray and have faith that this will result in a beautiful healthy baby.

Elder Richard G. Scott  said, “I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.”

I am looking forward to and hoping with all my being that our baby will be our "packet of spiritual sunlight".  With everything we have been through the last 3 years  from Cancer, to Parkinson's, to infertility and other trials that have come our way I have never lost hope that sunshine in one form or the other is just around the corner.