My momma...

May 2014

October 2013

June 2011

August 2010

May 2010

My mom is dying and it SUCKS!  

I feel like I go through every day in denial in order for me just to get through.   

I feel emotionless sometimes because my life is too busy for me to have a breakdown.  Work is busy, having a toddler is busy and helping my family is busy.  I feel like I am not a good enough co-worker, mom, sister, daughter or wife right now.  I don't have time to help everyone all the time and I feel like my parents are upset because I can't see them multiple times a week,  I feel like my brothers are mad because they are doing more than me right now, I feel like Ryan is mad because we spend so much time with my family and not his and I feel like my boss is mad that I leave work at 5 because I am too busy.  

And I'm PISSED!

I'm pissed that I am 34 years old with a 1 year old and who knows if my mom is going to live to see him turn 2. I'm pissed that my two brothers aren't even married yet and who knows if my mom is going to live to see them married.

 I'm pissed that both my parents are sick with life threatening illnesses. 

I'm pissed that 5 years ago my healthy parents were enjoying life and enjoying all their children out of the house and were travelling and finally living for them and then boom.  In one year our lives changed forever.

I'm pissed my mom who dieted her whole life to be skinny is now 110lbs and can't even walk on her own.

I'm pissed I feel like I can't even take my mom anywhere because I can't handle her and Holden together alone, it's too much.

I'm pissed because my mom is an amazing grandma and that's all she talked about and I waited too long to have a baby and now she can't fully enjoy him.

And I'm SAD

I'm sad that the love and faith my mom had for the Gospel is shaken,  people talk in church all the time about trials and how they relied on Heavenly Father to get him through.  And I just want to stand up sometimes and scream at them.  You had a trial about your car breaking down, Not knowing you are dying and not being able to do anything about it.  When you have a trial like that let's see how your testimony holds up.

I'm sad my brother who brought me back into the Gospel is so similar to my mom and is anger and is struggling with the Gospel.

I'm sad to see when you really need people who's there and who's not.

I'm sad to think in 5 years I could have no parents.

I miss my mom.  I miss my fun mom.  I miss my silly mom.  I miss Patty Ann.

I hold tight to two quotes to keep me going:

One by Jeffrey R. Holland and it says “Some blessings come soon,  some come late and some don’t come until Heaven,  but for those that embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ.  They come”

“Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay then it is not the end.”