Let's be Real...

This post is going to be real and probably a  little too much TMI. 

 

I have a post I am working on about our trip with pictures,   we had a great time and it was a much needed vacation.   We loved seeing Ryan's brother and his family and wish we were able to see their kids more.    We had a blast with the Sorensen's and I was glad I felt good for a few days to actually enjoy life.   Lexie is 18 week's pregnant and it's crazy to think the next time we see them we will probably have little one's.  We are already planning taking them to Disneyland for their 2nd birthday since they will only be 5-6 weeks apart.  So a more detailed post will come that will be filled with fun and laughter.

 

I also have another post I need to do that guesses on the sex.   We are pretty sure we know but will find out for sure in 2 weeks so we are keeping it quiet until then I think.   But we already call it by it's name because I don't think the sex will change.

 

But this post,   is about being real.  About what they don't tell you when you get pregnant. And about my horrific experience yesterday that I know I will look back and laugh on at some point,  but am still to sore to even attempt it.

 

Like I said, I felt pretty great all week,  I was able to eat meals and probably gained a few lbs,  something my doctor will be happy about because I have only lost so far.  Saturday I went out with Lexie to lunch and then we had a late dinner.  Both meals were good so I am not sure if something just didn't agree with me,   if I caught the flu or if I just had the worse case of morning sickness ever on Sunday.  But let me say, and pardon my french,  it was a day of hell.  

 

Sunday morning I woke up and knew I wasn't feeling good,   I threw up and went downstairs to get a piece of bread and some milk which normally helps me,   it didn't.    I threw up 4 times before we left the Sorensen's at 11:30am,  I threw up again (#5) in Provo at a Maverick but was too sick to make it inside so instead threw up in our car in a Ziploc bag oh and did I mention I also peed my pants.   NO ONE tells you that happens.   But it does and it's gross and embarrassing.  After getting cleaned up and throwing the Ziploc bag away we were on our way again.  Yes that was only 45 minutes in,  it's going to be a LONG ride.  I fell asleep in the back and woke up outside of Filmore.  I told Ryan I needed to try to eat something.  The only choices were Burger King and Larry's Drive in so I went with good ole BK and some chicken nuggets in a happy meal.   Ate 2 nuggets and 4 fries and laid back down to sleep,   slept till about Beaver and thought I was feeling better,   we decided to stop at my Aunt's house in Parowan to use the bathroom because at this point my outfit consisted of Ryan's Tshirt and Ryan's basketball shorts because of the accident back in Provo,  I looked a HOT mess and they love me and are family so who better to see you like that.   Got their,  went pee and talked for a bit,  but OOPS those chicken nuggets started climbing their way back up.  So throw up #6 happened in a house thank goodness.    Got back in the car with about 3 1/2 hours to go.   But throw up #7 happened about 30 minutes after we left in another Ziploc and then on the side of the road while people are driving by.  By this time I am scaring Ryan and he is threatening a hospital.   I tell him when we get to St. George we can get some pedialyte and see how I do.   That the motion of the car is making everything worse and if I can just get home I'll feel better.   Again I lay back down and when I wake up we passed St. George and are headed to the gorge.  So 1 1/2 hours left I can do this,   oh wait no I can't and throw up #8 happens at a pull off right before the gorge.  And accident #2 happens,  so out of Ryan's basketball shorts and into another pair of his shorts.   Yeah it's gross but I'm being real about this because it was the most horrific experience ever to me.   SO embarrassing to let your husband see you like that.  I am not going to lie and say it's the first time I have peed while throwing up, I throw up so hard I threw my back out  but normally it happens in the comfort of my own home where I can clean everything up and change and no one know.   THESE were happening ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD with car's driving by.  So humiliating.   Back to the car ride.   At this point Ryan says pretty sternly to me.   I am stopping in Mesquite for pedialyte and if you don't keep it down we are going to the hospital.  He means business.   We make to to Mesquite,  he buys the pedialyte and saltines.  I choke a little bit down and lay back down.  I wake up again outside of Vegas and know we are about 20 minutes away,   I start praying please let me make it without throwing up again.  We get off the 2-15 exit and I can feel the acid creeping back up,   no, no, no not again.   We get to the Pecos exit and another Ziploc bag gets used #9 now.   I start crying and beg Ryan to just let me go home and take a shower and get out of the car where their is no motion.  We pull up to the house and I make him promise me he won't touch the dirty clothes,  just to let me take a shower and I will deal with them.   I sit in the bottom of the shower for 20 minutes,  eating ice chips and trying to hydrate myself.  I get out and feel better,   I decide to go to bed and let him watch the baseball game  (oh yeah did I mention it took 8 hours to get home and I feel so bad because Ryan is a huge Giant's fan and it's the last game they need to win the World Series) I get the puke bucket from the garage and put it next to my bed, and fall asleep.  I wish that was the end.   I wake up when Ryan comes to bed and know I am going to throw up again (#10),  I say as I am walking to throw up that it's been 3 hours and I am doing better so we are not going to the hospital.  To which he replies.  AMANDA,  you haven't kept ONE thing down today this is not good.   I ignore him and grab 4 saltines and eat them all really quick and get back in bed to go to sleep.  Luckily he is tired so we both crash and that is the end of my throwing up for that day.

 

Today I am so sore and I threw my back out again. But I haven't thrown up.  I go to the doctor again tomorrow at 12:30 and I pray everything is okay with the baby.  I worry all the time. It was one of the reason's I was scared to go to the hospital for fear they tell me something is wrong.   I just can't hear that again,   I will crawl in a hole and maybe not come out. 

 

For all the grossness I experienced yesterday, and have experienced these last 8-9 weeks I have been sick I wouldn't change a thing as long as it means the baby is healthy.

 

So tonight I will curl up in my sweats and give my husband the biggest hug and kiss for taking care of me and baby yesterday,  he was amazing! And I will just be thankful I had a good day today.

 

Sorry you had to read about my gross experience,  but I wish people would have been real with me so I knew what to expect.   Because it's not like on TV :)

 

 

OcTOBer CaTCh Up

Man time is flying by fast this month,  that is probably because I have spent the majority of the month so far in a morning sickness induced coma.  

 

I finally feel like I am crawling out of the hole,  I have went 3 days with out puking and that hasn't happened for weeks so it was cause for celebration this weekend.

 

On Friday I was able to go to a wedding for my friend Rachel,  I was able to make her sealing in the morning and then we went to her reception Friday night.   She looked beautiful and I am so happy for her and Jordan.  They had a long engagement like Ryan and I (like 6 months) and so I could counsel her on how hard those last two months are.   I would always joke Ryan and I barely touched that last little while,  you can only kiss for so long!

 

On Saturday I got up and felt great,   I made cookies to take to neighbors and friends who have brought stuff by these last weeks when I have been sick.  Then we went out and ran some errands and had lunch (which I ate,  it was awesome)   Saturday night we went to dinner with our friends Rachel and Jacob,  they had tickets to the Jenny Oaks Baker concert with the North Stake Choir and Orchestra.   The concert was awesome.   She is amazing with a violin.

 

Here is a video of her Mary Poppins medley, which I loved because I love Mary Poppins.

 

 

We finished up the night having dessert at Max Brenner's.  People if you haven't been there.  GO!

 

Sunday I taught a lesson to Beehives on dating.   It seems weird because they still have 3-4 years to go, but mostly it was on group activities and "hanging out"  where is appropriate to hang out with boys during this period and where is not.   It turned out good.  I love these girls.  I love telling stories of when I was there age and hearing their responses from a 12 year old perspective.   They make me enjoy teaching,  something that doesn't come naturally to me.

 

Today I get a chance to see the baby again,  my friend Heather is training someone at Miracles in Progress the ultrasound studio she works at and wants to use me as a guinea pig.  Any chance I have to see the baby I'll take it.   I get so nervous before though because of how traumatized I was to find out one of the babies didn't make it.  It makes me a little scared each time I could hear the same thing again.   I have heard the heartbeat and seen the baby moving and have been told there is a LOW chance of a miscarriage but it is still in the back of my head sometimes,   like Is this really real?   Are we actually finally getting the baby we have wanted so long.    So hopefully everything turns out okay today,   we are 12 weeks tomorrow and Heather is going to try to see if she can tell the gender today!   I have a feeling its a boy so we will see!

 

 



That's what's up...

We have arms and legs people! They might look like little T-Rex arms but I think they are beautiful!

10w3d :)

Feeling Better

If we had to lose one of our babies I am thankful it happened right before General Conference.   Listening to the speakers feeling like they were speaking directly to me, helped me so much.   I sat this weekend and cuddled with my husband and my dogs and laughed and cried and just soaked in the words and the meaning of what happened.

 

Today we had our first doctor's appointment since finding out,  we are 10 weeks today,  I will admit I have been nervous all weekend.   In all the other ultrasounds I have had I have never felt nerves,  just excitement,  but this time I just kept feeling nervous that I am going to go in and hear that something else is wrong.  I haven't been sleeping great and have been dreading it a little.   I decided yesterday that I should call my OB's office and give them a heads up about baby B in case that changed the scope of my appointment at all.   Last night at around 5:30 my OB called me while I was on my way home,   he expressed sadness and talked to me with comforting words.   It was exactly what I needed to hear.   

 

Sometimes in Vegas I worry about the type of medical care we receive here but I have nothing but good things to say about my doctors.  My fertility doctor Dr. Shapiro has been amazing,  I know he cares about me and my baby.   My OB Dr. Martin I LOVE him,  I have been with him for 10years or more I trust him 100%,  he is a great man and I know he has me and my baby's best interest in any decision he makes. 

 

Anyways back to my appointment.   Dr. Martin immediately wanted to do a ultrasound,  he wanted to see for himself and he wanted to make sure the baby was okay.  It's hard because baby B is still there,  just very tiny and with no heartbeat so once again I was looking at my baby who didn't make it,  Ryan was able to come today and see and I think he understood some of what I felt last week.  It's hard to see.  But then I have to be grateful because he went over to baby A and it has doubled in size,   he showed us the heartbeat and the arms and the legs and everything looks great.   It was such a relief.  I think I really did exhale really big.  I am still considered high risk because of everything that has happened so I will be seeing Dr. Shapiro,  Dr. Martin and Dr. Iryie all for the next few weeks. And then once I am cleared from Dr. Shapiro I will still be seeing both doctor's until Dr. Martin decides I am not high risk and don't need to see Dr. Iryie anymore.   I will have to go to the doctor's once a week at least.   It's alot but if it mean's getting our little bean here safely I am on board.

 

I want to thank all our family and friend's who have sent comforting messages,  texts or phone calls.  I want to thank my parents for getting me out of the house on Saturday night to laugh and eat frozen custard.  I want to thank Whitney Walker for bringing over dessert and just stopping in to see how I was doing.   They all mean so much to me and Ryan. 

 

And I promise I will not blog weekly about my pregnancy the whole time,   once we reach the safe zone and I get to be a normal pregnant woman I will be back to blogging about our lives :)

 

2 weeks to go! :)

Today I'm going to sulk

At the doctor's office this morning Ryan and I learned that Baby B had no heartbeat. Baby B stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days on Monday. We were very shocked, every ultrasound has looked good and the heartbeat was always normal.

I am heartbroken, I was so used to the idea of having twins now and was so excited for the future chaos. Knowing that is gone and that Baby B will not get any bigger than 1 inch and will eventually absorb into my pregnancy makes me so sad.

My mind is racing what did I do, what could I have done. My doctor assures me I couldn't have done anything that it is called vanishing twin syndrome and that it just happens sometimes. But it's hard I thought if we made it to 9 weeks that we would be okay and I just never expected to hear those words this morning.

I had ordered a shirt for Maggie and had made shirts for Ryan and I and we were going to take pictures this weekend to announce it next week. And I am so sad those shirt's saying we have two babies need to go in the garbage, that the double stroller and two crib dream is over.

But tomorrow is another day and tomorrow I will be better and will be grateful and blessed to still have one healthy baby growing inside of me. Baby A is thriving and even though I am shakin up and nervous something could happen now. I will just do everything I can to protect this baby. I will not complain about my medicine, an will just be grateful everytime I get to see my baby grow.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We love you.

9 weeks..

I came home today after working late, to find my husband cooking dinner and doing laundry. I appreciate everything Ryan has done for me, he is the best. the hamburger was great going down but not so great coming back up a few hours later lol

I'm a hot mess and so is our house. I go day by day whether I can eat or not, if I do my hair and makeup or not and if I can stay all day at work or not.

But I'm not going to complain as long as the babies are doing good. I have Ryan who is such a help and a good cleaning lady to keep my house sane :)

We have hopefully our last ultrasound with Dr Shapiro tomorrow and then I am really hoping I am able to stop taking some of the medicines and work on getting released from him. We will see!