It's Christmas Season!!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

 

I love everything about it,  I love shopping for the gifts, wrapping them and especially watching people open them.

 

It is Tuesday, December 11th and I have officially bought every gift for everyone.  I am most excited about the gift I bought my dad and a matching gift I bought for Ryan and Holden.  I hope they love them!

 

 This week I am working on neighbor/friend gifts and putting together the gifts for my Beehives. And this weekend after hounding Ryan for two weeks he is finally taking me to look at the lights downtown on Friday night.  We are meeting our friends Scott and Cassie (who just moved here to go to grad school with Ryan) down to the Bellagio and the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory.  I am excited!

 

Here are a few of my favorite Christmas items in my house:

 

My Christmas Tree - I am very particular about the Christmas tree.  My children will have their very own tree to put all their special decorations on,  just so they don't mess mine up.   I was pretty sick the week I put it up so it only has about half the ornaments I normally do but I still love it

My favorite nativities

My Snoopy Countdown

I am counting down the days until I am off of work for the holidays,  I have 10 days from today and then Christmas officially starts for me.   We have Christmas Eve with Ryan's parents,  Christmas night with my parents and we leave Thursday for San Diego for 4 days with my family.   Should be a great holiday season.

 

In other news, my lovely husband decided to do no shave November.  He took it very literally he didn't shave his neck or even cut his hair.  This picture is what I call Gross Ryan.   I was not and am not a fan.  The kisses were few and far between at our house until November 30th when he shaved it off.  Then it was celebration night :)))

 

 

I have now been on my blood thinner shots for a little over 2 weeks,  they aren't horrible but they aren't fun.  The actual needle is small and doesn't hurt but the medicine stings the minute it goes in and for about 10 minutes after.  Ryan laughs at me as I walk around the house right after rubbing my belly saying "It Stings!!"   I have about 26 weeks left to go!

 

We also went to the doctor last week for our big ultrasound where they look at all your babies organs.   Our baby has a strong heart at 147 beats with 4 chamber's and good blood flow,  a good looking brain and all the rest of his organs.   His arms are measuring 2 weeks bigger so the doctor says he is going to take after his dad with long arms.  His head and belly are measuring a week bigger.  Since they have to switch me to a different blood thinner before I deliver in order to get a epidural I will most likely be induced,  doctor thinks around 38 weeks before baby gets to big.  That works for me that means we are a little over half way there!!

 

This weekend we are moving the bed from our guest room into our office and rearranging the office to be able to start work on the nursery in the next couple of weeks.   I am a planner and I need it all done and everything ready with at least two months to spare just in case I needed to go on bed rest or something.  I am definitely in nesting mode around our house.

 

I hope everyone is excited about the Christmas Season and are able to spend it with your loved ones.  This is the time where I am constantly happy,  I love how nice people are to each other and I love doing random acts of kindness for strangers.  Makes me remember what this season is truly about.

 

 



 



Getting ready to do the Hokey Pokey again...

I thought I was done with shots,   the day I took my last IVF shot I was so happy!  But that's not to be...

 

I have been seeing a high risk doctor in addition to my OB,  he wanted me to do a blood panel because pre-eclampsia run's in my family with my mom, and with the vanishing twin he wanted to make sure I wasn't at risk for blood clots. In the meantime he put me on a baby aspirin as a precaution.  As I was leaving the house this morning he called me and said my panel shows marker of a blood clotting disorder and to be even more precautionary I will be stopping the baby aspirin and start taking the lovenox blood thinner shot daily.  I have to take for the next 23 weeks until the baby is born and then for 6 weeks after that to make sure I don't get any blood clots.  

 

I thought I was done with shots,   these ones are in my belly so I am assuming the needle isn't that big.  I guess I will just ice it and Ryan will shoot me up every night.   It's just frustrating and scary.  I just want everything to be okay with baby Holden and for him to make it here safely and healthy.  I will now be seeing the high risk doctor more frequently to monitor me.  I go in next Wednesday, the 5th for our 18 week ultrasound to see all the babies organs,  and do measurements.  I feel fine,  I feel him move around to let me know he is okay but to think we have come this far and have something happen to him.  I don't know if I would recover from that.

 

I know you guys are probably tired of praying for me, but if you could keep me and baby in your prayer's that he makes it here healthy and whole I would appreciate it!

 

In other baby new's I am addicted to a online garage sale on facebook in Summerlin and Centennial Hills,   I have bought a swing and a breast pump for really good deals and they are in great shape, like new.   So we splurged on a crib!

 

 

Isn't it so cute?? The picture also shows what our similar room color's will be.  It will turn into a toddler bed,  day bed and we bought the conversion rails to turn into a full bed.  So baby Holden will have this bed for a LONG time!

 

We also booked a trip to Hawaii in January for a nice relaxing babymoon vacation.   Ryan tried to sign us up for kayaking,  then snorkeling and then looked and they don't accept pregnant ladies.   He turned to me and asked "Well what are we going to do then?"    I said "I'm going to sit on the beach and by the pool and relax before I birth a watermelon out of my vagina"  :)

 

I am trying not to be scared and just have faith,  we are almost half way there and I know Heavenly Father is ready for us to add to our family.   

Photo Bomb

I wish I had more time to blog! I feel like Groundhog Day and most of the time right now when I am not at work I am sleeping. Hoping to get a little more energy soon.

Here is our life in pictures once again because that really is the only sort of journaling I do right now:)

Stroller and crib browsing...we won't get anything until next year sometime but its fun to look.
Holden has clothes already, and his daddy is researching how to buy them matching ToMs
We have such cute friends that just mail us cute notes and clothes
No shave November, ugh I hate it!
The girls got a new dog bed and fight nightly who sleeps in it. They make me laugh
I was able to raise $350 at work and shop for the homeless shelter for Thanksgiving. It feel so good :)

I hope everyone is able to spend Thanksgiving with their loved ones. Ryan and I are spending it with his family this year. And my Christmas tree and Christmas lights are coming up soon. I feel they deserve a good 6 weeks of display!

Baby Stewart is a....

BOY!!!!

We have suspected since about 11weeks, one thing with being high risk. They have fancy ultrasound machines and a little penis would pop up everyone now and then. We have been 80% sure since 12 weeks and have planned the nursery and the clothing around having a little boy. So today we went to find out for sure, we are 15 weeks on Tuesday and he is looking like a little man. I drank a soda on the way and he was active and jumpy. I am so in love already, and I can't wait to meet him in 25 weeks!!

We have had a name since before we started IVF, when you have tried as long as we have you talk abut that stuff A LOT! So our little slugger will be known as:

Holden Ryan Stewart

We couldn't be more excited, We love you Holden!!

Life Update

Here is our life in pictures. Since I am doing this on my phone who knows what the order will be:

Good times with friends in Salt Lake
First experience with snow in a long time, hubby had to buy and install new wiper blades
First pair of maternity jeans, 24.95 at H&M and I went red!
Pumpkin carving
All my Halloween decorations still in boxes because I was too sick to care to put them out
The only decorations I did put up
Nights out eating some good food
Nights in spent with my babies
Family drive the other night, my dogs are goofs.
A hint at what sex we think the baby is. Will find out for sure on Friday!
The recliner we are buying for the nursery from a friend
Voting!! Lets hope for a Romney win and a different 4 years from the last.

Life is going by fast. We are looking forward to Thanksgiving with all Ryan's siblings but one. I'm trying to plan some games for the kids!

And we are going to Cali again with my family for Christmas. This time San Diego. I'm so excited. I better be over being sick so I can eat my heart out!

Let's be Real...

This post is going to be real and probably a  little too much TMI. 

 

I have a post I am working on about our trip with pictures,   we had a great time and it was a much needed vacation.   We loved seeing Ryan's brother and his family and wish we were able to see their kids more.    We had a blast with the Sorensen's and I was glad I felt good for a few days to actually enjoy life.   Lexie is 18 week's pregnant and it's crazy to think the next time we see them we will probably have little one's.  We are already planning taking them to Disneyland for their 2nd birthday since they will only be 5-6 weeks apart.  So a more detailed post will come that will be filled with fun and laughter.

 

I also have another post I need to do that guesses on the sex.   We are pretty sure we know but will find out for sure in 2 weeks so we are keeping it quiet until then I think.   But we already call it by it's name because I don't think the sex will change.

 

But this post,   is about being real.  About what they don't tell you when you get pregnant. And about my horrific experience yesterday that I know I will look back and laugh on at some point,  but am still to sore to even attempt it.

 

Like I said, I felt pretty great all week,  I was able to eat meals and probably gained a few lbs,  something my doctor will be happy about because I have only lost so far.  Saturday I went out with Lexie to lunch and then we had a late dinner.  Both meals were good so I am not sure if something just didn't agree with me,   if I caught the flu or if I just had the worse case of morning sickness ever on Sunday.  But let me say, and pardon my french,  it was a day of hell.  

 

Sunday morning I woke up and knew I wasn't feeling good,   I threw up and went downstairs to get a piece of bread and some milk which normally helps me,   it didn't.    I threw up 4 times before we left the Sorensen's at 11:30am,  I threw up again (#5) in Provo at a Maverick but was too sick to make it inside so instead threw up in our car in a Ziploc bag oh and did I mention I also peed my pants.   NO ONE tells you that happens.   But it does and it's gross and embarrassing.  After getting cleaned up and throwing the Ziploc bag away we were on our way again.  Yes that was only 45 minutes in,  it's going to be a LONG ride.  I fell asleep in the back and woke up outside of Filmore.  I told Ryan I needed to try to eat something.  The only choices were Burger King and Larry's Drive in so I went with good ole BK and some chicken nuggets in a happy meal.   Ate 2 nuggets and 4 fries and laid back down to sleep,   slept till about Beaver and thought I was feeling better,   we decided to stop at my Aunt's house in Parowan to use the bathroom because at this point my outfit consisted of Ryan's Tshirt and Ryan's basketball shorts because of the accident back in Provo,  I looked a HOT mess and they love me and are family so who better to see you like that.   Got their,  went pee and talked for a bit,  but OOPS those chicken nuggets started climbing their way back up.  So throw up #6 happened in a house thank goodness.    Got back in the car with about 3 1/2 hours to go.   But throw up #7 happened about 30 minutes after we left in another Ziploc and then on the side of the road while people are driving by.  By this time I am scaring Ryan and he is threatening a hospital.   I tell him when we get to St. George we can get some pedialyte and see how I do.   That the motion of the car is making everything worse and if I can just get home I'll feel better.   Again I lay back down and when I wake up we passed St. George and are headed to the gorge.  So 1 1/2 hours left I can do this,   oh wait no I can't and throw up #8 happens at a pull off right before the gorge.  And accident #2 happens,  so out of Ryan's basketball shorts and into another pair of his shorts.   Yeah it's gross but I'm being real about this because it was the most horrific experience ever to me.   SO embarrassing to let your husband see you like that.  I am not going to lie and say it's the first time I have peed while throwing up, I throw up so hard I threw my back out  but normally it happens in the comfort of my own home where I can clean everything up and change and no one know.   THESE were happening ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD with car's driving by.  So humiliating.   Back to the car ride.   At this point Ryan says pretty sternly to me.   I am stopping in Mesquite for pedialyte and if you don't keep it down we are going to the hospital.  He means business.   We make to to Mesquite,  he buys the pedialyte and saltines.  I choke a little bit down and lay back down.  I wake up again outside of Vegas and know we are about 20 minutes away,   I start praying please let me make it without throwing up again.  We get off the 2-15 exit and I can feel the acid creeping back up,   no, no, no not again.   We get to the Pecos exit and another Ziploc bag gets used #9 now.   I start crying and beg Ryan to just let me go home and take a shower and get out of the car where their is no motion.  We pull up to the house and I make him promise me he won't touch the dirty clothes,  just to let me take a shower and I will deal with them.   I sit in the bottom of the shower for 20 minutes,  eating ice chips and trying to hydrate myself.  I get out and feel better,   I decide to go to bed and let him watch the baseball game  (oh yeah did I mention it took 8 hours to get home and I feel so bad because Ryan is a huge Giant's fan and it's the last game they need to win the World Series) I get the puke bucket from the garage and put it next to my bed, and fall asleep.  I wish that was the end.   I wake up when Ryan comes to bed and know I am going to throw up again (#10),  I say as I am walking to throw up that it's been 3 hours and I am doing better so we are not going to the hospital.  To which he replies.  AMANDA,  you haven't kept ONE thing down today this is not good.   I ignore him and grab 4 saltines and eat them all really quick and get back in bed to go to sleep.  Luckily he is tired so we both crash and that is the end of my throwing up for that day.

 

Today I am so sore and I threw my back out again. But I haven't thrown up.  I go to the doctor again tomorrow at 12:30 and I pray everything is okay with the baby.  I worry all the time. It was one of the reason's I was scared to go to the hospital for fear they tell me something is wrong.   I just can't hear that again,   I will crawl in a hole and maybe not come out. 

 

For all the grossness I experienced yesterday, and have experienced these last 8-9 weeks I have been sick I wouldn't change a thing as long as it means the baby is healthy.

 

So tonight I will curl up in my sweats and give my husband the biggest hug and kiss for taking care of me and baby yesterday,  he was amazing! And I will just be thankful I had a good day today.

 

Sorry you had to read about my gross experience,  but I wish people would have been real with me so I knew what to expect.   Because it's not like on TV :)

 

 

OcTOBer CaTCh Up

Man time is flying by fast this month,  that is probably because I have spent the majority of the month so far in a morning sickness induced coma.  

 

I finally feel like I am crawling out of the hole,  I have went 3 days with out puking and that hasn't happened for weeks so it was cause for celebration this weekend.

 

On Friday I was able to go to a wedding for my friend Rachel,  I was able to make her sealing in the morning and then we went to her reception Friday night.   She looked beautiful and I am so happy for her and Jordan.  They had a long engagement like Ryan and I (like 6 months) and so I could counsel her on how hard those last two months are.   I would always joke Ryan and I barely touched that last little while,  you can only kiss for so long!

 

On Saturday I got up and felt great,   I made cookies to take to neighbors and friends who have brought stuff by these last weeks when I have been sick.  Then we went out and ran some errands and had lunch (which I ate,  it was awesome)   Saturday night we went to dinner with our friends Rachel and Jacob,  they had tickets to the Jenny Oaks Baker concert with the North Stake Choir and Orchestra.   The concert was awesome.   She is amazing with a violin.

 

Here is a video of her Mary Poppins medley, which I loved because I love Mary Poppins.

 

 

We finished up the night having dessert at Max Brenner's.  People if you haven't been there.  GO!

 

Sunday I taught a lesson to Beehives on dating.   It seems weird because they still have 3-4 years to go, but mostly it was on group activities and "hanging out"  where is appropriate to hang out with boys during this period and where is not.   It turned out good.  I love these girls.  I love telling stories of when I was there age and hearing their responses from a 12 year old perspective.   They make me enjoy teaching,  something that doesn't come naturally to me.

 

Today I get a chance to see the baby again,  my friend Heather is training someone at Miracles in Progress the ultrasound studio she works at and wants to use me as a guinea pig.  Any chance I have to see the baby I'll take it.   I get so nervous before though because of how traumatized I was to find out one of the babies didn't make it.  It makes me a little scared each time I could hear the same thing again.   I have heard the heartbeat and seen the baby moving and have been told there is a LOW chance of a miscarriage but it is still in the back of my head sometimes,   like Is this really real?   Are we actually finally getting the baby we have wanted so long.    So hopefully everything turns out okay today,   we are 12 weeks tomorrow and Heather is going to try to see if she can tell the gender today!   I have a feeling its a boy so we will see!

 

 



That's what's up...

We have arms and legs people! They might look like little T-Rex arms but I think they are beautiful!

10w3d :)

Feeling Better

If we had to lose one of our babies I am thankful it happened right before General Conference.   Listening to the speakers feeling like they were speaking directly to me, helped me so much.   I sat this weekend and cuddled with my husband and my dogs and laughed and cried and just soaked in the words and the meaning of what happened.

 

Today we had our first doctor's appointment since finding out,  we are 10 weeks today,  I will admit I have been nervous all weekend.   In all the other ultrasounds I have had I have never felt nerves,  just excitement,  but this time I just kept feeling nervous that I am going to go in and hear that something else is wrong.  I haven't been sleeping great and have been dreading it a little.   I decided yesterday that I should call my OB's office and give them a heads up about baby B in case that changed the scope of my appointment at all.   Last night at around 5:30 my OB called me while I was on my way home,   he expressed sadness and talked to me with comforting words.   It was exactly what I needed to hear.   

 

Sometimes in Vegas I worry about the type of medical care we receive here but I have nothing but good things to say about my doctors.  My fertility doctor Dr. Shapiro has been amazing,  I know he cares about me and my baby.   My OB Dr. Martin I LOVE him,  I have been with him for 10years or more I trust him 100%,  he is a great man and I know he has me and my baby's best interest in any decision he makes. 

 

Anyways back to my appointment.   Dr. Martin immediately wanted to do a ultrasound,  he wanted to see for himself and he wanted to make sure the baby was okay.  It's hard because baby B is still there,  just very tiny and with no heartbeat so once again I was looking at my baby who didn't make it,  Ryan was able to come today and see and I think he understood some of what I felt last week.  It's hard to see.  But then I have to be grateful because he went over to baby A and it has doubled in size,   he showed us the heartbeat and the arms and the legs and everything looks great.   It was such a relief.  I think I really did exhale really big.  I am still considered high risk because of everything that has happened so I will be seeing Dr. Shapiro,  Dr. Martin and Dr. Iryie all for the next few weeks. And then once I am cleared from Dr. Shapiro I will still be seeing both doctor's until Dr. Martin decides I am not high risk and don't need to see Dr. Iryie anymore.   I will have to go to the doctor's once a week at least.   It's alot but if it mean's getting our little bean here safely I am on board.

 

I want to thank all our family and friend's who have sent comforting messages,  texts or phone calls.  I want to thank my parents for getting me out of the house on Saturday night to laugh and eat frozen custard.  I want to thank Whitney Walker for bringing over dessert and just stopping in to see how I was doing.   They all mean so much to me and Ryan. 

 

And I promise I will not blog weekly about my pregnancy the whole time,   once we reach the safe zone and I get to be a normal pregnant woman I will be back to blogging about our lives :)

 

2 weeks to go! :)

Today I'm going to sulk

At the doctor's office this morning Ryan and I learned that Baby B had no heartbeat. Baby B stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days on Monday. We were very shocked, every ultrasound has looked good and the heartbeat was always normal.

I am heartbroken, I was so used to the idea of having twins now and was so excited for the future chaos. Knowing that is gone and that Baby B will not get any bigger than 1 inch and will eventually absorb into my pregnancy makes me so sad.

My mind is racing what did I do, what could I have done. My doctor assures me I couldn't have done anything that it is called vanishing twin syndrome and that it just happens sometimes. But it's hard I thought if we made it to 9 weeks that we would be okay and I just never expected to hear those words this morning.

I had ordered a shirt for Maggie and had made shirts for Ryan and I and we were going to take pictures this weekend to announce it next week. And I am so sad those shirt's saying we have two babies need to go in the garbage, that the double stroller and two crib dream is over.

But tomorrow is another day and tomorrow I will be better and will be grateful and blessed to still have one healthy baby growing inside of me. Baby A is thriving and even though I am shakin up and nervous something could happen now. I will just do everything I can to protect this baby. I will not complain about my medicine, an will just be grateful everytime I get to see my baby grow.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We love you.

9 weeks..

I came home today after working late, to find my husband cooking dinner and doing laundry. I appreciate everything Ryan has done for me, he is the best. the hamburger was great going down but not so great coming back up a few hours later lol

I'm a hot mess and so is our house. I go day by day whether I can eat or not, if I do my hair and makeup or not and if I can stay all day at work or not.

But I'm not going to complain as long as the babies are doing good. I have Ryan who is such a help and a good cleaning lady to keep my house sane :)

We have hopefully our last ultrasound with Dr Shapiro tomorrow and then I am really hoping I am able to stop taking some of the medicines and work on getting released from him. We will see!

Raspberries..

We are 8 weeks today, and the babies are the size of raspberries, we went to my OB Dr. Martin for our first appointment today. I'm not released from Dr. Shapiro yet but because we were having twins and didn't want a gap at all we called up and Dr Martin wanted to see us. I love him! I have been going to him for 10+ years and he is so happy for us! He measured both babies and said everything looks great!

I thought once I was done with the Fertility Center that I would be a normal pregnant woman going once a month...ummm nope. Dr. Martin said since I am having twins, we had to do IVF and they are my first I am automatically high risk and we need to go to a high risk Dr. also. He said the longest I will go between doctors appointments is 2-3 weeks. One good thing is I will get a ultrasound every month at the high risk Dr. so we will get to see the babies a lot!! Our first appointment with them will be wen I 12 weeks maybe we will get a gender sneak peak :)

I also talked to Dr. Martin today about a vaginal birth. I really want one if I can. He gave me some rules to even consider. 1. I have to have a epidural in case they have to do a emergency c-section (no complaints here!) 2. I have to deliver in the OR not in my room in case of a c-section 3. I have to deliver at Summerlin because of the NiCu and because they have a doctor on call 24-7 who would be able to help him monitor the 2nd baby while I'm in labor. He did say with my stature if any baby is breech deal is off and I go to automatic c-section. Only time will tell that, but I'm hoping for vaginal.

Also, I am sooo sick. The babies are killing me. I threw up so hard I threw out a muscle in my back so sharp shooting pains coarsing down my back while I throw up. So horrible. I finally was able to get zofran after my last ultrasound where they saw the heartbeats. It's helping but not taking it all away. I'm also wearing the sea bands (thanks Kristen!). Lets hope when I am off all my meds and out of 1st trimester the sickness is over!

Overall we are just so happy and so blessed. We are almost to the safe zone, and everytime I get to see the babies and see them growing it becomes more real. Since I will only be able to go to 36-37 weeks we only really have 6- 6-1/2 months!

Time is going to fly by and then the real craziness will begin, but I don't care because I will finally be a mommy. :)

Photo Bomb..

I feel like all I have posted about is the babies.. and while that is a big chunk of our life right now we have done other things I haven't given any attention to.

 

So this post is a photo bomb of the last month or two NON baby related!

 

Labor Day Weekend - Parowan 2012

 

Ryan and I were able to go up to Parowan with my parents over Labor Day weekend this year.   Josh had to work and Matt decided to stay back with Josh, so we left the dogs with the boys and headed up to St. George.  

 

We were able to go out to dinner with my parents at Outback (PS the Outback in St. George. best.outback.ever ask for the rasberry butter with your bread ahhhmazing) before Ryan and I headed off to go to Aladdin at Tuachan.  I didn't bring a camera so sorry no pictures, but it was good.  No Abu the monkey which made me sad but monkey's don't talk to I guess I get it.

 

Saturday morning we packed up and headed to Parowan,  the boy's went for a ride (dang pregnancy wouldn't let me),  my cousin's fished in the pond down the street,  and we went to the annual pancake breakfast and parade.   I love this weekend.  I love Parowan.  My parents actually have a lot right around the corner from my aunt.  My dad is making rumblings of starting to do something to it so we might be able to go up more :)

 

Here's a few pics from the weekend

 

 

Other happenings:

 

My parents bought Ryan and I tickets to Wicked at the Smith Center here in Vegas for our anniversary.   We went with them on September 13th.   The Smith Center was beautiful and the play was AWESOME.  I loved it.  I didn't love getting sick the last hour and puking in my front yard when I got home but I loved the play.   My parents are such amazing thoughtful people and I am glad we were able to experience this with them.

 

My pictures are NOT good.  We had the picture nazi behind us who would not let us take pictures inside the theater.  Meanwhile 5 rows down people were taking picture after picture and she didn't say anything.  How rude :)

 

 

 

Random pictures:

 

Zoey drooling and panting like crazy on a drive to Petco in a COOL AIRCONDITIONED car.  She is a nut

 

 

A picture of my friend Nycole on a tour we took where we had to wear hard hats.

 

 

A Pzookie from Josh's birthday dinner with the family at BJ's.  I love the Pzookies there!

 

And okay one thing baby.  I bought them their first matching jammies!  (it's gender neutral people so no matter what sex they can wear)

I also got a new church calling,  I was called to be the Beehive Advisor.  I am VERY excited about this calling.  So excited that I stayed up to make them cookies (which I made fit into the lesson) so they will like me,  even though cooking anything makes me sick right now.   I was NOT good in Young Womens,  I was not nice to my Beehive Advisor.  In my defense she was not cool and really mean and snotty,  but I was a brat.  I am hoping to bring some of my own situations into the class to help them not make the same mistakes I made.   I am not going to say I would do it differently because then I wouldn't be who I am and be married to the amazing man I am married to. But I do hope to help the girls not struggle like I did.



And I think it was worth it.  The lesson went great,  I even cried and they said my cookies were delicious :) 

 

 



GroWinG

The blueberries (that's their size right now, so that's what we call them) are growing!

Saw heartbeat flickers today. :)

Feels SO AMAZING!!!!

What's up in Stewart land :)

 

Ryan and I were able to go on Saturday night to a ward activity/date night at our chapel.   Our Stake Presidency and Bishopric have been putting alot of focus on marriage and how to keep work to keep the marriage and the family units strong.  I have a feeling this is a topic all around the church these days.  With technology like texting and social networking I am sure alot of marriages end up suffering a little.

 

I loved everything about this date night,  Ryan and I are lucky we have been able to have three years of dating (well almost 4 by the time the babies come) We are really good about spending quality time together.   I imagine once children come into play that will get more difficult but we both are committed to not letting it disappear.  The date night consisted of dinner Olive Garden themed,  games and dancing.   We also had Bishop Williams and his wife come and speak to us,   I LOVED their talks.   They were very open and honest about their early marriage struggles when they had 3 babies under 5 after only dating for 3 months before getting married and only 2 months after marriage finding out they were expecting.  Alot of times I think the topic of sex is so taboo and uncomfortable in the church and they didn't let it be,  they brought it front and center.   Bishop stated the act in a marriage is called intimacy to him, not sex and that is how he counsels couples to think of it.  

 

He counseled us to read a book called Between a Husband and Wife  which can be found here.  I will be purchasing this book for Ryan and I to read together,  not because we have problems but because I don't ever want us to in this area.   

 

His wife spoke about their Bishop when they were a young couple with three young children,   her husband was in law school and they were going through the daily motions.   She was sneaking into bed at night after everyone was alseep just because she was tired of being touched all day by babies and didn't want to be touched at night.   Their Bishop counseled them to have date night weekly,  to communicate and to listen to each other's needs. Because each person in a marriage has different needs.   She made a comment that if her husband comes home and does the dishes that shows her his love for her. 

 

Bishop Williams emphasized that the church will not come in to your bedroom,  what each couple does and how different it varies is their choice but to also remember it is intimacy, not just sex and to treat it and your partner with respect.

 

I liked this part of the talk they gave us from Jeffrey R. Holland,  who was speaking at a BYU devotional about intimacy and marriage.

 

"But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.

As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally "one" as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

Obviously, such a commandment to these two, the first husband and wife of the human family, has unlimited implications--social, cultural, and religious as well as physical--but that is exactly my point. As all couples come to that moment of bonding in mortality, it is to be just such a complete union. That commandment cannot be fulfilled, and that symbolism of "one flesh" cannot be preserved, if we hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously share intimacy in a darkened corner of a darkened hour, then just as hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously retreat to our separate worlds--not to eat or live or cry or laugh together, not to do the laundry and the dishes and the homework, not to manage a budget and pay the bills and tend the children and plan together for the future. No, we cannot do that until we are truly one--united, bound, linked, tied, welded, sealed, married."

 

They also gave us a picture frame and a sharpie to write love notes to each other. 

 

I am so glad Ryan and I made the time to enjoy this night.  I came away feeling very enlightened and loved.

 

 

In other new's if you didn't catch my hint above mentioning the babies,   well it means exactly what it looks like.  We are having TWO babies!

 

We are so excited (okay and a little scared too) and I know baby B doesn't look like its all there.   The picture she gave us was not the best.  It's there we saw it!

 

And I'm a little annoyed because the stroller/carseat combo from Britax I loved when thinking of one baby, the double stroller of the same model only allows for ONE infant seat.  So annoying,  why make a double stroller that can't be used by twins as babies?  So I am looking again.  I am kind of a stroller and car seat snob so there is a few brands I won't even look at.  I can't do color's,  I want blacks not pinks or greens or browns.  My cars are black and I want black car seats.

 

So we are making lists now of everything double we need for big ticket items since those are not what you get at a shower and we need to start buying one thing a month.  Two cribs.  Two of everything.  :)

 

But this is it I think.  Unless by some miracle it happens naturally we are going to be a happy little family of four!

 

And I made Ryan promise me we will go on one vacation in a PLANE before the babies turn 2 and we have to buy 4 tickets.  I dont really care where we go I just want one big vacation where we don't have to jump from buying 2 to 4 seats :)



Worrying

The day we hit the safe zone will be the day I really start enjoying this pregnancy I think.  Throughout this whole process I have worried every step. Will we get enough eggs? Will they fertilize? Will they make it to blastocyst?  Will we have enough to freeze any leftover?  Will the shots hurt?  Will the medicine work?  Will the transfer go smooth?  Will it work?

 

Well now that it has worked my list of questions has not gone away.

 

This weekend when we were out of town, Saturday morning I woke up to some spotting.  I ran into the room and said a little panicky to Ryan "Ryan there is BLOOD"  Ryan (who is the calmness to my craziness I think I have mentioned)  very quietly started asking me questions. 

 

Ryan:  Is it alot?

Me:  No

Ryan: Was there anything else you saw?

Me: No

Ryan: More gross question's that you don't want to know

Me: More gross answer's you dont want to hear

Finally...

Me: But Ryan there is Blood!

Ryan:  I know babe but that doesn't mean that anything is wrong.  Let's call the doctor before we freak out okay?

Me: (crying)  Okay..

 

After looking up on every fertility forum I could find and calling the on call nurse and talking to her about how this is the most common phone call they receive, and her telling me approximately 40% of people who do IVF will have spotting.  Even her who has done IVF had spotting and freaked out,  did I feel somewhat better.   She hung up with continue your medicine,  come in on Tuesday for blood work and if it doesn't go away or get worse to call back.  

 

Thankfully it went away,  but I am not going to lie I probably went pee more that weekend than I ever have just to see if I was still spotting.  It sort of put me on edge all weekend.

 

Then I went to the doctor's yesterday to give blood and normally they call you that afternoon to let you know how everything turned out,  well now that the doctor's office did their job and got me pregnant they have to send it out to LabCorp per my insurance.  It just makes me so mad.  I am still in your care.  I have paid you so much money I can't sleep at night sometimes and since I am officially pregnant and no longer 'in cycle' if I have your lab do it instead of Labcorp it will be $422 dollars.  RIDICULOUS!  Also next week when we go to find out if we are having one or two,  yeah that's going to cost us $483.  Such a rip off, but Ryan and I just take a deep breath and are happy for the success we have had and say we are never going through this again.

 

We really are so thankful and over the moon,  we don't care boy or girl and Ryan is even now saying if it is twins we will make it work :)  We just wish they would leave us some money to actually have the kid and pay for diapers lol 

Update

To all 5 of you who read my blog I thought since I have updated on every stage of our IVF I should get to the results quickly. Soooo.....Ryan and I found out we are going to be parents!!!

Here's how it went down:

On Monday the 20th we did the transfer, the next 3 1/2 days I did bed rest and any other trick I read about or had friends tell me about like, keeping your feet warm and drinking hot liquids. The Dr. told us I would be coming in on Saturday the 25th for bloodwork and there is a chance you will be able to out then but most of the time it's too soon. So Saturday came and Ryan left at 6:00am for a early tee time to golf. I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to get my blood drawn. I came home and normally they call around 1-2pm with medicine instructions so I started cleaning and doing laundry, around 10am I heard the phone ring I looked and it was the Dr.'s office I picked it up and it wasn't the nurse it was my Dr. He said "Congratulations" and I burst into tears lol. Ryan was golfing and I wanted to scream it to the world but it was so soon so I text Ryan and then just had to wait for him to come home to celebrate. We decided not to tell anyone until we got to day 10 in case something changed.

We ended up telling our parents at Sunday dinner that things were looking good but that nothing official until the 30th. I went in on the 30th for blood again and once again the Dr. called and said I am still pregnant!! (I maybe have taken a test or 5 to check everyday lol)

I feel fine, just hungry right now. I'm almost hoping I get morning sickness so I can loose a few pounds I have gained through this IVF process.

We go back in a week for blood again my beta numbers are on the higher side so there is a chance both took and we have twins on our hands. We have our first ultrasound in 2 weeks to find out.

Thank you all for the love, support and prayers! We couldn't have done this without our family and friends. This has been such a long expensive draining process that we will probably not go through again so to have it work means so much to us.

Please refrain from Facebook comments of any kind, it will not go public until we are in the clear and have been released from the Fertility Center!

Soul Sunday

I love when I sit in church and the message really speaks to me. Some messages being in a home ward with no children yet do not speak to me. I am sure they will once we have a child but sometimes I leave feeling like I am still stuck in between singles ward and home ward not quite fitting in either place.

Today was our Ward Conference, our stake president is a great man. I actually know him through work since he is a lawyer we have used many times and I think it makes me listen all the more when he is speaking.

The lesson that stuck out to me the most today was in Gospel Doctrine about nourishing our marriage and our families, we watched a video of a injured husband in the hospital with his wife by his side and there child and family members in the waiting room. After we had a discussion about what we noticed. A few comments were, his injury didn't just affect one person he had many people waiting to find out if he is okay, how was he injured he wasn't with his wife since she was fine was he doing something he shouldn't have been. Then Bro. Stephenson said he was looking at a plant that is dying in his house and wondering why, he is watering it and he knows how to take care of it yet he must not be doing enough.

We all know how to nourish our marriages but do we do it? In the last couple of months I have seen couples get divorced I never thought would. When I first met them years ago they were happy loving families, but like life does they were thrown trials and instead of sticking together through them they drifted apart. Like the people in the waiting room their decisions have not just affected them but their children and extended families. I have seen parents who once having children have stopped being a couple and are now just mom and dad, they pour all there time and energy into their children thinking they are giving them the world but in the end when at the end of the day they have no time for each other they are actually hurting them.

I don't presume to know exactly how I will be after we have children. I know that our every weekend dates and our out of town weekends will decrease while they are young of course. But I also know I grew up in a house where we did not sleep in our parents room or bed ever that was their space, that almost every Friday night we had a babysitter so my parents could go out, that my grandparents watched us a few times a year so my parents could have a week or a weekend away together and I know I saw my parents kiss, hug and love each other daily. They showed me they not only loved me, but they loved each other.

I pray I never stop nourishing my marriage and my family, that I love my children by always loving my husband and putting our family relationships to each other and to Heavenly Father first.

Now we wait...

All went well yesterday, the embryos looked good and the doctor was happy with the placement and the quality.

The whole procedure took like 6 minutes, the waiting with a full bladder needing to pee for 45 minutes before that and 20 minutes after was the hard part.

Ryan took good care of me yesterday and our friends the Barney's came over and brought us dinner last night. My mom and aunt are coming over today to stay with me and I am just laying down with my feet up for the next three days. I have one job, make these babies comfy :)

Here is the picture of them :). I think they are cute but I am biased so let's hope one of them at least turns into a little baby!

We won't know anything for almost 2 weeks for sure. So now we wait...

Man oh Man!

These progesterone shots are NO joke!  I have only done a few and my back is bruised and hurting already. To say I want to do them for a few months more would be a lie,  but doing them for 8-10 weeks more means we are pregnant and that I want more than words can say.

Our first night of them Ryan put on the numbing cream and put the bandage over,  we waited the hour and when 7:00pm came (the time I need to take my shot)  he took off the bandage and did the tester with a safety pin to make sure I didn't feel anything.   Well guess what.....I DID!  I felt everything and I started to panic!   A crying fit ensued with my sobbing and saying I can't do this for 3 months over and over for about 15 minutes.

Just in case anyone is wondering why I was scared....Here is the needle and the 2ml of oil...

Yes it's big and yes that's alot of oil! NIGHTLY people NIGHTLY...

Anyways,  we decided to put more cream on and let it sit for another 30 minutes and thank goodness it worked!  I was a hour late taking my shot but it was worth it.

It has worked since then, so I am hoping it was a fluke thing.  I have gotten pretty good at getting my blood taken and taking the little needles with no stress and no pain other than a pinch,  but I draw the line at the big guns.  How people do them with no numbness I have no idea.

THIS JUST IN....

4 more days till transfer!!!

In other news, Ryan is still sick, not as sick but his cold is pretty bad.   He has taken up shop in the front room for sleeping and as much as I miss him, it's been kind of awesome to sleep in the middle of our king bed for a few nights.   We are hoping he can come back tomorrow night, but if his cold doesn't get better he will be in the front room until the transfer at least.

Never thought I would spend my anniversary night not even sleeping in the same bed as my husband,  no kiss, no hug, no touching. nothing. It was super sad.  He did buy me beautiful flowers and gave me the sweetest card.  Our plans for going out to dinner were scrapped and so I picked up Shrimp Taco Tuesday Cafe Rio and we ate on opposite ends of the table watching Shark Week and then he went back to sleep.   So romantic I know,  but we just need to remember we did it for the sake of our baby.  We have waited months for this and a cold is not going to ruin everything!

Thank goodness two weeks ago Ryan surprised me and took me to the Venetian for a early anniversary date.   He took me to Delmonico's (Emeril's steakhouse) and it was amazing.   Ryan ordered the rib eye  when it came out it looked like this:

Yeah 22 ounces of meat!  He gave it a good college try but he did not finish :)

We also took a gondola ride and just walked around.  It was a great night!

So why our household is full of sickness, and hormonal mess crying right now,  we just need to remember we always have the Venetian :)